maybe extroversion doesn't necessarily entail composure. it seems like it should, as a natural defense, like all the eccentric artists and writers with all their secret problems.

it makes sense to me that a private personality will have private problems, but it doesn't follow that a strong personality shouldn't be taken seriously. if i begin a new life of timidity and quiet reservation, speaking softly if at all, opposing nary a thing, will my "peers" stop viewing me as a highly entertaining tearful nervous wreck?

they can't distinguish between a hysterical but humorous rant and a nervous breakdown. they can't understand that i'm walking quickly, staring at the baseboards and hiding my face because i want to be alone and am simply making an animalistic mad dash through the public square to a cave where i can privately lick my wounds. they can't understand that i can't laugh at it yet, and that even though i'll laugh off a lot of things, maybe there are some things i will never laugh at. what hurts most is that i'm getting back the exact opposite of what i give out, despite my mother's incessant insistence that i am fatally lacking in empathy.

i don't know what to change to make it better.